A lot of people will tell you that sleep deprivation is bad for you, because of how it "torpedoes your immune system" and "dramatically reduces your ability to fight off illness" and "makes you a jerk to baristas and daycare operators and priests." But what do those people really know? Just because they're "doctors" and "leaders in their field" and "the greater medical community as a whole," we're supposed to accept their opinions as gospel? Not in Trump's America, man.
Yes, studies have shown that the effects of sleep deprivation include, but are not limited to, fatigue, lack of concentration, decreased motivation, impaired memory, shitty moods, wall runnings-into, illness, continued insomnia, public snorage, instinctively snuggling with the person next to you on the bus, slower reaction times, weight gain, stress, aggressiveness and being really bad at operating a backhoe. Forty percent of us don't get enough sleep. But do you ever hear the positives of sleep dep? NO, because there aren't any. So in light of that inconvenient fact, we just made some up.
Here are 7 terrific things about our collective state of exhaustion.
1. You don't really need that sleep anyway. Here's a list of people who say they subsist on three to four hours of sleep a night: Trump, Martha Stewart, Thomas Edison, Nicola Tesla and a certain Renaissance man we like to call Leonardo da Vinci. If you can't hang with Martha Stewart, that's your problem.
2. Christopher Nolan made a whole movie about it. If Chris Nolan made a movie about something, how bad can it be? If sleep deprivation were really such a negative, Insomnia would have been directed by M. Night Shyamalan.
3. There are at least four musicians who've recorded songs called "I'll Sleep When I'm Dead," and only one of them was Bon Jovi. Another was Warren Zevon! Sure, go ahead and deny what Warren Zevon says, if you want to be a dick.
4. Driving is a lot more fun when little dancing penguins keep appearing in front of your eyes.
5. Being an emotional wreck can make you fun to be around. You know how when people talk to you now, they can probably predict what your reaction will look like? Imagine if you could shock them every few seconds with violent mood swings and occasional sobbing! With sleep deprivation, you can and you will.
6. "Hey, can you help me move this weekend?" I can't, man, I caught a cold, probably because I haven't been sleeping.
7. Feeling tired makes you drink coffee, and Dunkin Donuts basically sells you an oil barrel of it for like $3 now. Dunkin Donuts also sells donuts. Sleep deprivation increases donuts. If you see a downside to any of this, put it in the comments so I can ignore it.
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