Yeah. Etsy has sex toys. Primarily glass, and some very damn nice ones at that. There’s the hippydippy ceramic ones that make me want to take a ceramics class just so I can make one better, and there’s the few really unique and awesome silicone dildos.

But then, one night you’re searching for femur bones because of a story you were reminded of regarding a nun masturbating with a charred femur bone and you come across weird shit like a guy who sells small animal parts but then you get the brilliant idea to look at those who make wooden dildos because surely you can make a great replica of a charred femur from a pale wood, right? and then you run across things like this.

Found via Etsy Seller

The good parts “Let the Sergeant take command of your satisfaction. At the front end It has five indented stripes to stimulate the clitoris and “G” Spot. The rear is tapered for anal stimulation. The circumference is very smooth and uniform for full contact.”

Ok. I mean, am I reading this wrong or does it sound like they intend for a straight item to stimulate both the clitoris and the G spot at the same time? And didn’t anybody school them on the ins and outs of buttsex toys, specifically, “must have a flared base”???

And third…..it’s “finished” with olive oil.

*blinks

Thank goddess we have places like Hans and NobEssence.

I’m still a little verklempt…..talk amongst yourselves.