Obviously, there are a lot of ways to get better at sex—although nothing replaces communicating honestly with your partner—but one way to learn without having to sit through a conversation with anyone is to do some good old fashioned research. With a book! I asked sex therapists, authors, educators, romance writers, and porn performers to recommend a read they think will help you blow your partner’s mind (or just you, know, listen better).
Emily Morse recommends She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring Women“The title says it all. This is always my first recommendation for any guy who has found female sexuality a mystery, because it gives very specific, useful tips for the female anatomy. Trust me, reading this book will definitely change how you view sex and brush you up on your cliteracy.”
Emily Morse is a Doctor of Human Sexuality and the host of the SiriusXM Radio show and podcast, Sex With Emily.
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Wednesday Martin recommends My Secret Garden“It’s a classic from 1973, all about female sexual fantasies. At the time she wrote her book, people didn’t believe women HAD sexual fantasies. This book blew my mind with its vivid descriptions of women’s sexual fantasies when I read it as an adolescent, and still packs a punch today. It may inspire guys to ask, What are you thinking about… and prepare them for the fact that the female sexual imagination is a force to be reckoned with.”
Wednesday Martin is a writer, social researcher, and author of Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe About Women, Lust, and Infidelity Is Wrong and How the New Science Can Set Us Free
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Andie J Christopher recommends… that you ask your partner.“Usually, I recommend that my friends read their partner’s favorite romance novel because that’s going to give them some insights they may not otherwise have. Ask me to pick one is like asking me to pick a favorite puppy out of a sea of a thousand puppies, but I always recommend Tessa Bailey to guys who want to up their dirty talk game. Her latest is Fix Her Up.”
Andie J Christopher is a USA Today bestselling romance writer and author of Not the Girl You Marry.
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Esther Perel recommends I Don’t Want to Talk About It“Modern day debates around gender, masculinity, fatherhood and changing sexual dynamics have become so polarized that there is very little space left for men to be allowed their full complexity and diversity. We're more likely to talk about toxic masculinity today than the silent epidemic of male depression—even though the two are connected. This book looks at difficulties with intimacy, workaholism, alcoholism, abusive behavior, and rage through the lens of hidden depression, offering a pathway out of the darkness for men and their families.”
Esther Perel is a therapist, speaker, author, and host of Where Should We Begin?
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Dr. Christine Milrod recommends The Erotic Mind.“It goes beyond basic “self-help” and is actually encourages the individual to use his own fantasies as the ultimate tool of sexual self-discovery. Morin talks about ‘troublesome turn-ons,’ which oftentimes have been sources of shame and doubt, particularly for someone who has not had a lot of sexual experiences. Morin asks the reader to delve into this paradox and embrace the uncertainty and mystery of sex with acceptance rather than fear or rejection.”
Dr Christine Milrod is a Los Angeles-based sex researcher and sex therapist specializing in male sexuality
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Alice Vaughn recommends Nina Hartley’s Total Guide to Sex.“Nina's a famed sex educator and pornstar that has written an all encompassing "how-to guide" which gives readers the knowledge (and the permission!) to move past insecurities and misconceptions we may have learned. Whether you're a nympho or novice, everyone can walk away having learned something--even if its just why ejaculate feels like bleach when it hits your eye. I only wish I had this guide when I was younger instead of having to rely on Cosmo's monthly "10 Tips for Rug Burning His Cock".”
Alice Vaughn co-hosts Two Girls One Mic: The Porncast.
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Andrew Gutin recommends Enough To Make You Blush“It’s a great crash course in erotic humiliation, degradation, objectification and how to play with those topics.”
Andrew Gutin is a kink sex educator.
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Jimanekia Eborn recommends Playing Fair: a Guide to Nonmongomy for Men into Women.“Although the title may scare some folks, a lot of you are intrigued by it! So read this book so you don’t fuck it up.”
Jimanekia Eborn is a comprehensive sex educator, trauma expert, and host of Trauma Queen.
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Kate Kennedy recommends More Than Two.“It’s about structuring polyamorous relationships to fit your life, needs, and partners. I used to do kink and poly education and highly recommend it for anyone interested in poly/ethical non-monogamy.”
Kate Kennedy is an adult film actress and kink educator.
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Stevie Boebi recommends Girl Sex 101“I think if men want to become better lovers they should learn about lesbian sex and relationships by reading Girl Sex 101 by Alison Moon. The venndiagram of those who say, ‘How do lesbians have sex, though?’ and those who are bad at sex is a circle.”
Stevie Boebi is a queer sex educator, and Youtuber.
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Elle Chase recommends The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure: Erotic Exploration for Men and Their Partners“The prostate is called “the male g-spot” for a reason. The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure demystifies anal sex and prostate stimulation and covers everything you need to know, for beginners and experts alike, all in one place.”
Elle Chase is a certified sex educator, speaker, and body acceptance and pleasure advocate.
Amazon
Yvette d’Entremont recommends The Ethical Slut: A Guide To Infinite Sexual Possibilities“If you’re starting to explore non-monogamy and you want to do it right, this is where to start. This walks you through communication with your partner(s), jealousy issues, and how to structure your relationship so that it works for you. The Ethical Slut is a fun read that will help you live your best, sluttiest life.”
Yvette d'Entremont co-hosts Two Girls One Mic: The Porncast
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Lauren Fogel, Angel Kalafais-Russell and Emilia Song recommend Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life“Though it’s written for a cisgender, mostly heterosexual female audience, it provides critical information about women’s sexuality. It’s an amazing and insightful read for any man who has sex with women. Having an understanding of responsive sexual desire and the importance of clitoral stimulation is key to being a good lover and pleasuring a female partner.”
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Lauren Fogel is a licensed psychologist and an AASECT certified sex therapist.
“Come as You Are is about the neuroscience behind sexual desire and arousal. It explains the processes in our brains that contribute to the way we experience lust, orgasm, and sexual intimacy, and challenges the notion that sex is a drive. Don’t judge this book by it’s bright pink, vaginal cover. Despite being written for a female audience, there’s something in this book for literally everyone. I recommend this to clients and colleagues, who have all received it with rave reviews. The information in this book will completely transform the way you think about sex and relationships, and as a bonus, Dr. Nagoski has just released a corresponding workbook! This book is foundational for anyone engaging in sexual or romantic relationships—no matter their gender, sexual orientation, or relationship style.”
Angel Kalafatis-Russell is a sex and relationship educator, author, HIV/STI prevention specialist, and scientist.
“Its geared towards cis women, but the advice that Dr. Nagoski gives is applicable to men, too. She busts numerous myths about sex, desire, and anatomy, and explains how and why we experience desire. There are exercises at the end of each chapter that you can do with your partner (or partners).”
Emilia Song is an erotic content creator and cam model.
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