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After much hype and fanfare from pothead morning birds and people with GI tracts of iron, the Taco Bell breakfast menu has finally arrived. But what if you’re the type who drinks a full glass of water before every meal, subs mustard for mayo in every sandwich, and smugly tells everybody all about it? Well, you’re in luck! Here are the most waist-friendly items on the new menu, in order:

1. Coffee (10 calories)

Though it depends on what you put in it, whether you think caffeine has long-term negative effects, and how you should feel about the state of your life when you’re getting your morning coffee at Taco Bell.

2. Tropicana Orange Juice (140 calories)

Seriously, who are we kidding, orange juice isn’t healthy. Hell, it’s barely even made of oranges.

3. Hash Brown (160 calories)

The third-healthiest item on the menu is a brick of shredded fried potatoes. It’s like if the bronze medalist in high dive was Louie Anderson.

4. A.M. Grilled Taco (170 to 230 calories)

These are basically normal tacos with breakfast fillings like egg and cheese and sausage. Sounds edible enough, but we’re not going to Taco Bell for breakfast without coming away with some gimmickry, right?

5. Waffle Taco (260 to 370 calories)

Now we’re talking. We’re disappointed that syrup comes on the side, instead of being baked right into the batter like in those bewitching, black magic McGriddles; conveniently, that syrup probably doesn’t come baked into the calorie count, either.

6. Sausage Flatbread Melt (300 calories)

We have no interest in flatbread when it’s a nothing but a lame, barely healthier substitute for other, leavened breads. Stick to falafel, flatbread. PASS.

7. Cinnabon Delights (2-, 4-, and 12-pack, 160 to 930 calories)

You could argue these should be lower, since they’re the emptiest of empty calories. But hopefully no one’s getting twelve of these puppies at once, except on a dare. Hell if anyone’s settling for just two, though.

8. Steak and Egg Burrito (320 to 450 calories)

The lighter, "Fresco-style" version gets you reduced-fat everything and pico de gallo instead of guacamole. Explore the world of Taco Bell guacamole at your own risk.

9. A.M. Crunchwrap (650 to 710 calories)

That this is the most caloric thing on the menu isn’t horrendous, though one of these ain’t exactly a Denny’s Triple Play in terms of substance. Now, if you want to put together a Taco Bell breakfast platter, now we’re in Epic Meal Time territory. 100 Cinnabon Delight challenge, anyone?

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