Sex Lives chronicles the evolution of one person's sexual history. This week: Alexander, 39, in Kansas City, Missouri.
I distinctly remember being a child in early elementary school and having a teacher bend over in front of me and she had a very loose blouse on and you could see down her shirt, and I just remember being like one of those cartoon characters. It’s stuck with me. Just like seeing boobs and being completely smitten with that situation so much that I remember it to this day, being locked in the headlights a bit and feeling a lot in that moment.
I had really close friends in middle school and I remember we were friends with a group of girls and I got a handjob on the last day of eighth grade at a pool party from one of them. I remember thinking it was just the best thing that had ever happened. There was kind of a strange dynamic between the two groups of friends, and this girl and I just sneaked away. It was nothing crazy but that was the next evolution of my sex life.
I was 15 and I’d been dating this girl—whatever that means when you’re 15. And I remember my parents were going to the airport to drop somebody off or something. They had a planned trip where we knew they wouldn’t be around, so we planned it. She was sort of the aggressor—that has a negative connotation, but she was definitely the one pushing the situation, interestingly enough. I talked to one of my good friends and told him “Hey, I think this is going to happen,” but I was obviously very, very nervous. There was a running joke the whole time that that guy friend was going to come with me. So anyway, my best friend—he’s still one of my best friends to this day—called in the middle of my first time because he knew it was happening. Everyone’s always like “Why did you answer the phone?” but it was a house phone and it just kept ringing. In college, he’d introduce me to people and be like “This is my friend, I called him the first time he had sex.”
Not that long after it happened my parents found out because she was emailing about something and was referencing us having sex, but there were also driving directions in the email and I printed it out, but my parents found out. That was like two weeks after it happened and I was fairly young at the time, so there was lots of drama around that. But a lot of my first experiences were with her.
Towards the end of college, I had a pretty serious relationship for about two years. She was great, but our lives were in different places. We had a lot of fun. Once, I remember it was fall and we were going to some kind of house party, but it wasn’t a normal college party; it was somebody’s beyond-rich uncle’s place and he wasn't home. The party wasn’t out of control or anything. She was one of the first people who was really encouraging of us trying new or different stuff. She encouraged interesting, spontaneous things. So anyway, at this party, she had on this cute little dress and we were driving up to this house and I was like “Hey, just give me your underwear.” We were still in the car, and she did, and I put it in my jacket pocket. And then this dynamic that I was hoping would happen did, where we were kind of going around this house party talking to different people and it was like we had a secret. There was a lot of build up from that. Thank god the place was big enough to sneak up to a bedroom and have sex. It was amazing because there was so much build up, and in a house that I could never afford, and lots of people and loud music outside the room. That made it fun as well.
Right after college, I was with someone for about three years; I don’t think it was the best sexual relationship of the partners I’ve had. She’s a very nice person and it wasn’t bad, but it felt pretty vanilla between us. I remember there was a holiday party where people were drinking too much and it was kind of a thing that we’d always go back to this friend’s house around Christmas and they always had this party. Anyway, we had the worst sex of my life under a pool table at that party. I would not recommend being under a pool table for a sexual experience—even being on one sounds bad. But it was just a thing where we’d been drinking too much; I remember in the middle of it us looking at each other and she said, “This is not our best work.” There were other people in this basement who were asleep and we were under this stupid pool table and it was just like the worst. And then we stopped and she put on some comfy clothes and she had a dress that she wore to the party and we never found it. It’s probably somewhere in the house to this day.
I’m a 911 dispatcher for a living, and let me tell you, it’s insane. Like you just want to help people, but it’s very high pressure, high stress. Just every day is really crazy. And about five years ago I went to a work conference and met another dispatcher in a big city and we were talking about just how insane and high pressure the job is and how we needed some relief from that. And we just connected instantly. She lives a few hours away so we stayed connected for some time. I guess there were some vibes. As we kept talking, I think we both felt on the same page—not looking for a relationship and kind of trauma bonding over our job. She was passing through Kansas City and I got a nice hotel room and I was like, “Let’s just have a night where we leave all the bullshit of our jobs somewhere else and spend the night together.” I remember it being so hot. It was like that classic stupid movie thing of leaving an extra card at the front desk. As soon as she came in, it was on. She had a certain energy that was incredible. There’s just something about hotel sex. Open windows, a new place.
In my last long term relationship, I had some difficulties in the bedroom; it didn’t happen all the time. I don’t know if it’s trauma, but there was a lot of stress. I figured out that when it built up too much, it would show itself in the bedroom. It wouldn’t be like I couldn’t get hard. It wasn’t a lack of arousal. It was more like a premature finishing thing. It was strange because that was never something that had happened to me before. It was the classic guy thing, like I swear this never happens. But my partner at the time and I had had years of successful sex and this was a new thing. It took a while to figure out what was happening and we did isolate it to some stressful things happening at work. It was a really frustrating thing and it led to some awkwardness, even though my partner was really cool about it, which is great because pressure just makes it worse.
Most Popular
My last partner did get into pegging. It was interesting. She really, really wanted to do it and I was not closed off to it. I was open. I’d put it into a file of like, that’s interesting, but I feel like the reality of it would not be as fun as the idea of it. But I had a very patient partner. I was like you’re just gonna have to bring me along, but it was fun. I don’t know if it’s my thing, but it was fun. I got a lot of enjoyment out of it. Like the power switch was really unique, because—and I don’t know if this is just my partner, but— the majority of the time I felt like I was in a situation where I was kind of running the show during sex. I felt a bit like the director. So the complete vulnerability was fun and hot. But it was such a different feeling than what I’m used to while being intimate with someone; that was lots of fun. I enjoyed that.
I’m currently talking to someone, but I wouldn't say it’s anything really serious. Being 39, it’s tough. If I meet someone, that’s great, but I’ve also built a decent life, I’m a happy person solo as well, so that person you know has to be good. I just got out of a relationship a few months ago with someone I was with for four years. Life happens, things don’t work out, but it’s taken a little time to get out of the shadow of that. And I live in a dumbass red state, so it’s hard. Everyone here got married really young and had a bunch of kids; there’s nothing wrong with that! But being in the midwest and being single and almost 40, it’s like there’s a cloud over you. People start to almost feel sorry for you or think you’re broken. But getting out of this last relationship felt a bit like the last chance to have that traditional life. Get married, maybe have some kids. It felt like that window sort of closed, and in the wake of that, I’ve been thinking about, what do I want going forward?
As I’ve had sex with people who have progressed in age—I’m not Leonardo DiCaprio; I’ve been sleeping with women who are age appropriate—I think one of the most interesting things is that it feels like in my 30s, I’ve seen women change a lot and they’re doing the things that make them happy in bed, or that that they want to do. I’m seeing a lot of women taking their own sexual enjoyment by the wheel a bit more and doing things they’re interested in as opposed to what their partner is.
I feel like in the past five or six years a lot of the sex I’m having is a lot more aggressive or dominant in nature, which is fun. It’s not something I want to do all the time, but it’s lots of fun. I want a partnership with a very strong woman. And sometimes I think a byproduct of that is that in the bedroom sometimes, if that woman has been like that in her life—maybe she has this job where she makes tons of decisions—that when she's maybe behind closed doors, she doesn't want to make a decision at all. She just wants to be taken and honestly lately just fucking used. Obviously after a baseline of respect and safety has been established! I never experienced that very much in my 20s because I don't know, I just feel like you there weren't as many women voicing exactly what they wanted or needed in a moment. It’s been fun.
More Great Wellness Stories From GQThe Only 6 Exercises You Need to Get a Six-Pack
You Should Be Doing Hamstring Stretches Every Day—Here’s Why (and 7 To Try)
The Many Stealthy Ways Creatine Boosts Your Health
Flexibility Is a Key to Longevity. Here’s How to Improve Yours, According to Experts
How to Actually Build Muscle When You Work Out
Not a subscriber? Join GQ to receive full access to GQ.com.
Related Stories for GQSex LivesSex and Relationships