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Photo: Netflix
There are lots of good reasons to get hooked on Netflix’s Bloodline. The ragged, itchy beauty of the Florida Keys. The ragged, itchy beauty of Kyle Chandler. The Last Solid Dude’s campy voiceover: ("We’re not bad people. But we did a bad thing"—got it, Chris Isaak). But most especially, the extraordinary casting. By which we mean the extraordinary middle- and late-age hair of Sam Shepard, Ben Mendelsohn, Norbert Leo Butz, and Chandler. Yes, Sissy Spacek. Yes, Linda Cardellini—in possession of a worth-watching-ness all their own. But this is about the dudes and their really-really-ridiculously-good-looking hair.
When I’m asked to assess whether someone is handsome, all I really see is height and hair. "Is your friend cute?"_ I dunno, he’s tall._ Same with my faculties as a TV critic, I guess: Does Bloodline suck? Maybe! Beats me. All I see are man manes. Leave the GQ-issue shaved-sides-and-high-pomp to Justin Bieber and Arsenal strikers, because this is the hair which we can all aspire to—when the dream comes true and we finally get to move to an island and live out our days in linen pants.
First, the hard-nosed patriarch, Robert Rayburn, played by Sam Shepard. This guy is basically a hundred years old and has more hair than all of my under-thirty friends. Just like Yeager only grayer.
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Next up, Ben Mendelsohn, as the dangerous and distressing black sheep, Danny. It’s not exactly surfer locks, it’s more of a methy marlin-fishing glamour. Carl Hiaasen undoubtedly has a name for this—I hope it’s "Keys flow."
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Followed by: Kyle Chandler as the second son, Coach Taylor. Doesn’t look a day grayer than he did when he started at East Dillon.
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And finally, Norbert Leo Butz as the third brother, the hot head, Kevin. Kevin may lose his hair one day. I hope it doesn’t happen, but it might. At least he’ll go heroically in a blaze of golden locks.
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Breaking Bad_ _was arguably the best show of the last decade. I loved every minute of it. Today, though? Looking back? Knowing now what else is out there? _Too bald. _A tyranny of bald.
