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It's a fact of life: You're going to eat the burger. You'll have just finished up a particularly sweaty workout, you'll be feeling goddamn great about yourself, and then you're going to drive through at McDonald's—or Wendy's, or BK or wherever—and yeah, you're going to eat the burger. Also the fries.

The guilty person's post-burger conclusion is that you've just undone your entire workout. We prefer to say that your workout earns you the friggin' burger.

So fine, enjoy it. But choose those empty calories wisely. Since some fast-food burgers are more disastrous for your body than others, we crunched the numbers on four national purveyors of mouth-wateringly greasy meat byproducts. Then, feeling vaguely ill, we made a semi-scientific back-of-the-napkin matrix of calories, taste, and fillingness. Then we ranked these establishments against one another on a lowest-points-wins continuum. Then we had to go lie down.

Eat the burger, boss. But eat the right one.

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Burger King

What: Whopper, medium fries.

Calories: 2nd place out of 4. 630 for the sandwich, 410 for the fries.

Taste: 4/4. The thinness of the patty is way suspect—what am I, a vegetarian? The Whopper tastes like bread, with a hint of burnt ground chuck. These fries are the worst. They're hot, but it's unclear if they've ever been cooked.

Fillingness: 4/4

**TOTAL: 10/12

**

McDonalds

What: Quarter Pounder with cheese, medium fries.

Calories: 3/4. 750 for the burger, 380 for the fries.

Taste: 3/4. The burger itself is pleasingly peppery, but the real glory here comes from the over-buttered bun. The cheese seems synthetic. (Could it possibly be synthetic?) Fries are perfectly crisp.

Fillingness: 3/4

**TOTAL: 9/12

**

Five Guys

What: Cheeseburger, regular fries

Calories: 4/4. 840 for the burger, 953 for the fries. Jesus Christ.

Taste: 1/4. A bun that actually seems baked by a person, and enough mangled meat to approximate something you might make yourself, all of it slathered in melty cheese—this fast food feels almost homemade, and tastes like delicious burger grease. The fries are cut thick, but they're soggier than some of the other chains. In the world of fries, crunch is everything.

Fillingness: 1/4

**TOTAL: 6/12

**

Wendy's

What: 1/4 lb single cheeseburger, medium fries.

Calories: 1/4. 600 for the burger; 410 for the fries.

Taste: 2/4. Yes, the square-patty thing is gimmicky. But I'll be damned if I don't enjoy the burger just a little bit more for its corners. Wendy's is the only one of these four chains to truly understand the proportions of bun-to-burger—enough meat to dominate the palate, enough bread to sop up its grease. The fries weren't as good as McDonald's—they were lighter, less crunchy—but not as soft as godawful Burger King's. At the very least, they do taste like they're derived from potatoes.

Fillingness: 2/4

**TOTAL: 5/12

**

WINNER:

Wendy's by a nose. Five Guys tastes great, but the onslaught of calories just isn't worth it. Wendy's burger and fries contain the lowest calorie count of the bunch (only half your daily allowance!) and the meal is both filling and legitimately tasty. But do your body a favor: Skip the soda.

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