For Sex Lives, GQ speaks with someone about their entire sex life up to this point and how their sexuality has evolved. This week: Paul, 39, Straight, Burlington, Vermont
One of the earliest, or most pivotal, moments in my childhood sexual awakening was finding my parents' copy of The Joy of Sex in a cardboard box with a bunch of other books, when I was 11 or 12. I scurried away with it to another corner of the house to devour as much as I could. And then my dad found it there; he was really encouraging about it. He was like, “You’re free to read that. If you have any questions, let me know, but of course you want to read that.” It set me up with this framing that sex is fun, sex is supposed to be playful, that it works best when you communicate, and I feel like his response and the book just gave me the sense of, “Oh hell yeah, this does seem cool; this is something I want to do.”
I went to a private high school and my class was the first class to be required to have laptops by the school. It was 1997, I was 14 and suddenly it's like you have your own private computer and an internet connection for the first time and no filters or anything. It was just porn city. Going to this high school was really a reset for me. I had been a really nerdy kid; I had these big really unfortunate glasses. And then I went to this private school for high school and got contacts and grew into myself a little more. It took me a while to even comprehend that people might find me attractive. My first girlfriend was just kind of like “I’m going for Paul.” She kissed me at the bus stop one day my junior year and she was not only the first person I had sex with at 17, but we stayed together through high school, through college, got married and we were together until 2018. We were together for about 18 years and then divorced.
We were not monogamous, though. My first year at college, she asked me about a particularly attractive female hall mate of mine. I remember thinking it was kind of a trap, but then my girlfriend was like, “Oh, I think she’s gorgeous.” That kind of opened the floodgates to us talking and fantasizing about other people, or at least being theoretically open. We each made out with a few people here and there, but it wasn’t until probably around age 30 that we actually decided to try to find other partners. We hopped on OKCupid and started dating other people. I started a sexual relationship with a friend and coworker of mine, Erin, that lasted three years. It was awesome. We—my then-wife and I—even shared a few partners.
My wife knew about Erin from the very beginning. I didn't give her tons of explicit details because I guess that wasn’t very interesting to her, whereas when she'd see other people I think I was more into hearing details, like “Tell me more; let me catch a buzz off of this.” That three-year-long relationship with Erin was definitely the longest either of us had; my wife was more of a casual dater, she’d have a couple friends with benefits here and there. I mean, I was in love with Erin and my wife knew, we used that language. I remember talking with my wife in the kitchen one night and just being like, “I think I might be in love with Erin,” and she was like, “Yeah of course you are. That makes total sense.”
We had a few threesomes, but I feel like there were diminishing returns. The first one in particular was one of my favorite sexual experiences of my life. I think all three of us were on molly. For me, it was just like, “Wow there's these two wonderful women that I love, like getting along swimmingly, making out, everybody's having a good time.” But Erin ultimately wasn’t that into women. I think she kind of was like “Fuck it, let’s give it a try.” By the third threesome it was clear that she was just not as invested in it as we were.
Basically, the arrangement was that about once a week, I would come to her house in the evening. We'd hang out, we'd have sex, I would go home late at night and come back to my bed and wake up next to my wife. I only did overnights when my wife was out of town. Her preference was that if she was at home that's where my nights ended, which was fine with everybody. The specific night of the week varied a bit, but Erin really liked having her own space. Things ended because Erin felt like our relationship was keeping her from being serious with other people. We had a few teary goodbye hangouts but are still close friends. We haven’t hooked up since.
My wife and I divorced, not because of anything poly-related. I actually tell people, because they ask a lot, that I think being poly gave us several years of a good marriage; I think it helped us last. She has another partner now and they live about an hour away and she and I talk sometimes. I still care very much for her. We haven’t hooked up again, yet.
Not too long after my divorce, I started dating my current partner with whom I'm in a monogamous relationship right now. We've been together about three years. She's my former boss, technically. When we started dating, we were just friends; we hadn’t worked together for a few years, and both of our marriages were ending. She’s had some threesomes and things like that in the past, and is conversant in open relationships, but wasn't very interested in having one with me. I think it's always in the back of her mind that someday I might ask to be in some more open structure again. But for the time being, I'm very happy with her and her alone.
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By Sophia Benoit