Sex Lives chronicles the evolution of one person's sexual history. This week: Graham*, 49, in Birmingham, UK.
I went to an all-boys boarding school when I was seven, and there was this secret knowledge that people whispered about jerking off—but it was a purely physical thing. It was like you grab your cock, and you do this, and it’ll get hard, and then you’ll feel this pleasure, and then there’s a release. At that age, I didn’t understand anything about sexual relationships, people, and biology. I didn’t know what boys and girls did and where babies came from. I didn’t know to fantasize about doing anything with other people. It was just a physical sensation.
I was 16 years old and dating a girl from school, and our relationship was kind of incremental. We would kiss a lot and touch under clothes. Then, one night, she invited me around and told me that her parents would be out all night. I was hard as fucking iron, and she seemed very impressed with that. So I let her explore further. I’d touched her pussy before, but only on the outside, I hadn’t penetrated her. But she put her hand on mine, kind of pushing and encouraging my finger into her.
I remember her excitement and how much that excited me, like her breathing, her arousal. We were kissing really passionately, and she just grabbed my cock. Really quite hard—a bit painful, actually—and she pulled it down towards her. I was like: “Are you sure?” She said, “Yeah, I really want you.” I kind of imagined it was going to be painful for her and lots of blood, but it wasn’t. It was easy. I was like: “This is it!” I was half enjoying the moment and half thinking: “I’m fucking!
Because I was young, I wasn’t going to last terribly long, and I asked where to come, and she just let me finish in her— we weren’t using condoms. That was it. We’d probably been having intercourse for 30 seconds or a minute. I don’t think she necessarily had as good of a time as I did. We dated for a while after that, and I think she had some better times.
I had a girlfriend when I first went to university that I’d been seeing for a month or two, but she wasn’t coming to university, so it was kind of a long-distance relationship, which inevitably didn’t last long. At the start, she’d come up and stay with me over weekends, and luckily I had my own room. She would arrive on Saturday morning and go home on Sunday night, and we would literally spend the whole weekend fucking. That’s all she wanted to do.
It was great. She was really keen and really into it, but it was always super vanilla: missionary. She wasn’t even into doggy style. And we would just do that for hours and hours. We would stop for a couple of hours to sleep and grab food, but we would literally spend the whole weekend fucking. She set a low bar for me in terms of sexual performance because she came so easily. Inevitably, though, the long distance became too hard.
I met someone else at university, and it was kind of love at first sight—hearts and stars spinning, you know? We had great sex, but I discovered that I had to do more than just put my dick in her. She was 21 or 22 and a lot more experienced than me and more adventurous. She taught me the basics of like: here’s a clit, here’s what to do with it, here’s how to do oral really well. She was also kind of subby. Not in a BDSM way; she just liked being tied up and blindfolded.
That was a really formative influence for me. As I’ve gone through my life, that’s something that I really like doing—tying women up and blindfolding them. It wasn’t done in an aggressive way; I wouldn’t tie her up and hurt her; I would tie her up and go down on her for ages. That lasted a couple of years.
I was a complete dickhead, though, and had a one-night stand with someone at a Student Union Conference, and we broke up. I’m an idiot! I still regret that now. Occasionally, I stalk her on IG and see how she's doing. She's happily married to a guy who was a mate of mine at university, has a couple of kids, and has a wonderful life. The one that got away. Well, the one that I let get away through my own stupidity.
I’d had a couple of threesomes with two girls, which were kind of like a threeway—everybody plays with everybody. And I’ve had a couple of threesomes with my girlfriend and another guy, which have always been more of a V-shaped kind of thing. Not a three-way, just two guys fucking a girl. Super hetero, don’t even look at my cock kind of thing.
There was a girl I’d known at university, Liz*—we’d never gotten together, but there’d been an attraction. We met up again a few years later and got together. There was a guy, Jim*, we’d both known at university, and back then, he’d been presenting as straight, and he had a girlfriend. But he had a thing for Liz, too. Years later, when I started dating Liz, we were all living in the same town, and we knew each other socially, and he came out as a gay man. At this stage, he’d just come out and was making up for lost time, basically fucking anyone with a cock.
We’d kissed each other a few times, but in stupid drinking games like truth or dare. Then, one day, the three of us were at Liz’s flat. He was a bit drunk and being flirtatious and quite handsy. I was just playing along a bit like: “Oh Jim, you’re terrible.” Liz thought it was hilarious and was egging him on in a drunk, messing-about way. But I could tell he wasn’t messing about, he was grabbing me with a bit of purpose, but I liked it. I took my girlfriend aside, and I was like, “he’s actually trying to get in my pants; if you keep encouraging him, I’m gonna let him.” She went quiet, and we went back in the room, and he was messing about again, chasing me around the breakfast bar, and he got me up against the wall and grabbed at my crotch, and I kind of liked it. So, instead of fighting his hand off, I let him, and he realized I was hard. He just looked at me. He wasn’t sure if we were still messing about. So I just slid my hand down his pants and grabbed him. He wasn’t hard at that point but he got hard real quick.
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My girlfriend had just been laughing her head off, but then she was like: “Right ok. This isn’t playtime anymore.” He wasn’t sure what to do at first, like are these guys just messing around with me? And so, even though he’d been the one who was coming on to me and being really handsy when it actually got a bit serious, he wasn’t sure and didn’t want to push it. So I ended up taking the lead. I unzipped him and bent down, and started sucking on him. Just to kind of show that, like, I’m really serious, let’s do this. My girlfriend hadn’t actually got hands-on; she was just watching at this point. She was really easy to read, and I could tell she was on board.
The three of us ended up in bed, and it was so different from the threesomes that I'd had before with like another guy where, as I said, it wasn't really like a threeway. It was like two guys fucking a girl. But this was a true three-way. All of us were playing with all of us. It was just so much more free. I found when it was more of a two-guys-fucking-a-girl thing that, it was a bit performative and a bit on guard. I’d never done anal before with anyone. It was my first sexual experience with a guy, but I had never done anal with a girl before either. I ended up fucking this guy, which was a first for me. Again, I remember having that thought of partly being in the moment and enjoying it and partly being like, “Bloody hell, I’m with a guy! Bloody hell, I’m fucking a guy in the ass!” Overall, it was just all like a really nice shared thing. There wasn’t any kind of awkwardness afterward because we’d all done everything with each other.
There’s a big 24-year period that we'll probably gloss over when I was married, and there was not that much excitement and variety in my sex life, which was kind of odd because when I first got with the girl I married, we had a couple of threesomes with another guy. More like the V-shaped dynamic. But after we got married, it was like there was nothing really adventurous apart from doing it outdoors and occasionally risky places in public. There was a person at work who I got close to, which was one of the reasons the marriage broke up. That was a slightly odd situation because she’s married, and I’m actually still seeing her.
She’s in an ethically non-monogamous relationship with her husband; he’s very positive about it and enthusiastic. I didn’t realize that I’m kind of poly as well. I’m currently in three relationships. I’m a secondary relationship for her. She’s married to her husband, and I’ve never met him, but we’ve spoken on the phone a couple of times. He really likes videos, so when I’m with her, we take videos that she sends to him. I get feedback from him. He really likes it, and I get compliments. He gets really turned on by it. She’ll tell me, “I went home, and he watched the video, and he fucked me really hard.” I find that really exciting to know about.
Most PopularI’ve introduced her to new things. She liked being spanked, but she’d never done anything more. So I went out and bought a riding crop, a cane, and a flogger, the bits and pieces which she’d had an interest in but never done anything with. So yeah, we do all that, and then I’ll get messages with feedback from her husband, like complimenting me on the way I whipped his wife. It was a bit weird, but fucking hot. It’s all quite healthy. There’s nothing cuckold-y about it, but she’ll tease him sometimes and say that I’m better at going down on her than he is, but it’s all quite light and fun; there’s no humiliation going on. It’s a joyous thing; it’s really positive.
I only see her about once a month on average. Sometimes, we might see each other two or three times a month, but then I might not see her for a couple of months. We’re very close. We talk a lot, but you know, in terms of conducting an ongoing relationship, it’s quite limiting. So I met a couple of other people through an app, one of whom I have a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with. We go on holiday together. We don’t live together, but we see each other at least every other weekend, depending on if I’m seeing other people. There’s another guy that she sees, but he’s more of a secondary. It's a minor relationship, and he’s married to someone else, lives with his wife, and sees my girlfriend occasionally.
And the third person who I see. I don’t want to say it's friends with benefits because that understates it. We have a genuine relationship, and we do some romantic stuff like go to the theater and things like that, but it’s a much less emotionally involved relationship. It’s not a boyfriend/girlfriend thing, and we haven’t gotten the level of passion I have with the first person. I discovered relatively late in life that I’m kind of poly. I can be genuinely in love with a couple of different people, and it’s not a nil-sum game. It’s not like I had to take some love away from one to give it to the others. They exist in parallel and independently of each other, and my feelings for them don’t reduce the other.
*Names have been changed.
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