Let’s start with a little history lesson. Because big-ass sideburns have a storied past, especially among the rebel set. Pioneered in the 19th century by rowdy generals and U.S. Presidents alike (we’re looking at you, Chester A. Arthur), people at the time called them “side whiskers” because they were worn so comically long that they actually hung from the face. After taking a brief hiatus in the first half of the 1900s—something about the seal on gas masks—they were brought back by Elvis and the greasers in the ‘50s, then co-opted by hairy free-love folk in the ‘60s and ‘70s. By the time the 1990s rolled around, however, they’d lost their mystique, with teen stars and boy-banders holding the scepter in the realm of longer chops.
Today, big ol’ ‘burns are a facial hairstyle acceptable for pretty much no one. Which is why it’s so baffling that one Mr. Christopher Evans has built a successful Hollywood career without ever needing to take a trimmer to those unruly southernmost limits of his hairline.
Now, we can all agree that Mr. Evans leads a charmed life. Six-foot-something, built to the ideal of Da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, and that smile—don’t even get us started on that smile. It’s the oral equivalent of a hundred labradoodles taking a bubble bath. So it’s almost insulting that he’s also one of the few men on Thor’s green Earth able to pull off the extra-long sideburn thing without looking like Wolverine or Freddie Prinze Jr. in She’s All That. They may not be full mutton, but his chops definitely extend further than we’d recommend. (We generally go for something more in the mid-to-upper ear range.) And yet, whether he’s on the red carpet or in that star-spangled jumpsuit, the guy still manages to look cooler than we could ever hope to. Why is that? What makes his face, and the faces of beautiful men like him, conducive to such a risky maneuver? We’ve narrowed it down to four possibilities:
Face Shape With an incredibly square visage like Evans’, longer ‘burns serve to narrow the face. Aesthetically, that’s a good thing, because squares are pretty boring to look at.
Hair Color The light brown of the Captain’s mane allows his bigger ‘burns to stand out less, as they complement the skin of his face. Any lighter and they’d be translucent. Any darker, and the frame would detract from the prettiness of the picture, if you catch our drift.
Jawline Have you seen the thing? With a chin like that, the man can do anything he damn well pleases.
Attitude Like the many great men before him, Evans just doesn’t give a damn what we think about his lengthy sidepieces.
Smart money’s on that last one.
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