Nick Offerman looks like the kind of a guy who’s figured out life, no? (I mean, look at him.) Well, that’s because he has. And he can help you figure it out, too—via Netflix. In his new comedy special, Nick Offerman: American Ham, premiering Friday, Offerman presents his tips to winning at life through standup, song, and hilariously dramatic vignettes that include his wife, Megan Mullally, slapping him in the face with a raw steak at least once. We called up Offerman to get even more pro tips, this time for behaviors we should avoid (don’t wax your junk) and for surviving the holidays (bacon).

GQ: What inspired these "10 tips for prosperity"? Are we doing something horribly wrong?

Nick Offerman: No—it came about quite organically. After a couple years of Parks and Rec, I began to be invited to speak at colleges. Something at which I first demurred because I’m not a stand-up. I said, "Oh, these kids think I’m Aziz or something, and I don’t do that. I’m a theatre actor." But I thought about it, and I said, "Oh, hang on. How many kids are we talking about?" And they’re like, "Oh, two or three thousand." And I said, "Holy cow. I have some things I would love to say to two thousand young people." And so that was the inception of the show, and then I wrote it with that in mind. Basically: How can I deliver a meal of broccoli but try and lace it with enough pizza and ice cream that they won’t realize they’re being fortified?

Is there room left for any more rules?

I covered my most hot-button topics, but I could probably come up with another ten if I was asked to. Things like: I wish people would be more physically affectionate. And, I don’t know what the rule would be, but it’s been driving me crazy: All the dumb, distracting information that people pay attention to. I’m always being asked things like: "What’s better: a pork chop or a BLT?" And I say, "Why don’t you read a goddamn book?" If you have even one of those, you’re walking in tall cotton.

OK—we’ve got your rules on what to do, what about the things we absolutely shouldn’t do?

Don’t pay any more attention to your facial hair than keeping it clean.

Don’t ever enact any damage whatsoever upon your pubic mound. That’s an astonishing practice. It’s an incredible waste of time and an illogical technique that robs people of both valuable minutes as well as an incredibly necessary source of warmth. _And _it hurts. There’s no reason for that masochism. And to top it all off, you’re defacing Mother Nature’s billboard. That area of the pudenda is emblazoned with a figurative slogan: Ready to fuck.

Don’t pull your phone out unless you are completely by yourself; don’t pull your phone out when you’re engaged with another person in any sort of transaction;** don’t pull your phone out if you’re sitting in the audience of a live performance of any sort. Young people, by the way, love to record me saying that on their phone.

**

We need holiday season advice too. What are some rules we should follow at, say, the office holiday party?

Number one rule for an office Christmas party: Don’t work at an office. I don’t know—when asked off the top of my head, I always lean towards sincerity, so I want to say: Enjoy the eggnog, but don’t overdo it. Also, any holiday party is made more festive with a kettle full of freshly fried bacon. And fruitcake is not allowed.

Spending time with your in-laws?

You know, I’m very lucky. I’m crazy about Megan’s mom, so I never had to develop any comedy material around my unpleasant in-law because I love my mother-in-law, thankfully. But generally when holiday gatherings put me in a room with people I’d rather not be in a room with, I find that if I ask them a lot of questions about themselves, you can usually get to a subject matter that is pleasing. So that even if your unappetizing uncle votes completely dependent on what his preacher tells him and he’s a huge proponent of Rush Limbaugh, you can still maybe find something about, Oh, when he used to be in the shriners, they had a couple of parade mishaps that make for an amazing anecdote. And even the most unpalatable characters, if you allow them to talk about something that they relish, it makes the hours pass more quickly.

Gifting the special lady in your life?

Well, I’m of the opinion that anything handcrafted with love is incredibly more valuable in the gifting arena than anything you can purchase, including bullshit gifts like diamonds. You know who created that sensibility? You know whose campaign that is? You know who pays for those commercials? The people who sell diamonds. I would love to get our society off this notion that you should spend approximately one-third of your mortgage on a hand-worn bauble to express the depth of your love.

And it’s funny. When I say to people: Make something hand-crafted with love, they say, "Well, I don’t know how to make a chair!" When I say hand-crafted, I’m not just talking about wood. You can bake a batch of cookies, you can write a song, you can bake a casserole, you can create a dream catcher out of some bent sapling and some fishing line. You can simply create—you can give her or him a certificate for twelve free orgasms.

And finally: What would the title of your self-help book be?

I’m a Jackass and We’re All in This Together—wait, my editor already in my head told me that title was too long for the self-help book. So the new version is: Hug Before Punch.

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